A while ago I started reading Mon’s Thankful Anyway Thursdays. (Read more about the idea on her blog here.) I fell in love with the idea of finding gratitude in all the “crap” of life. I’ve held off on writing for a bit because while I would categorize myself as dry humored and tinged with sarcasm, I felt like it was slowly drifting into cynical and bitchy. Something, I’m not so proud or fond of. I can only justify myself by saying that we have had a crazy couple of weeks. Hours, days, and months filled with extensive emotional ups and downs. So, I stayed away. The world has enough bitterness without adding my own diatribe.
But things change, because they always do and as I was preparing a mass email to send out to our closest friends on Facebook, I saw something that another close friend had posted. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, she was posting something that she was grateful for everyday. Then one thought led to the next and I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude for all of the things in my life right now. Accompanied immediately with this thought was that to get from point A to point B, we have had to wade through an enormous amount of what Mon would refer to as “crap”. So without further ado, here’s my thankful thought for today.
The day after Father’s Day Mike had just come back from a run. He grabbed a glass of water, took a shower, went to Ronin’s room and was in mid threat to “clean your room or else…” when he fell to the floor and had a Gran Mal Seizure. After countless scans and tests, we had a crap load of contradicting information. We knew that there was a mass in his brain, but why it was there? Well, that’s where the confusion just spiraled out of control.
Over the last couple of months, over and over again we have referred to the whole thing as “if it hadn’t been for that damn seizure.” Life in the military changes when you have one, you lose your job* , your sense of identity, and then people stop talking to you because they don’t know what to say. (Or they like talking to you because it feeds the gossip mill.) Even though he was the same in every sense as before that day, everything changed. Trying to find out what was wrong and what to do, was now our full time job.
Fast forward four months of worrying and we find ourselves smack in the middle of last week. Add one gifted neurosurgeon, and mix that with a brain biopsy followed quickly by a tumor resection. If time ever stood still it was during the second surgery, it was a terrible horrible wait. To know that something was there that shouldn’t be, to know that he could possibly be paralyzed, or that they may not be able to remove it at all. The what ifs’ took my breath away. In the end, it was slow growing, benign in nature, and had probably been there for years. Problem is, had it gone a whole lot longer it would have reached a stage that would drastically reduce his life. The only way that we knew was because of “that damn seizure.”
A shift in perspective has never happened so rapidly. All of a sudden the very thing that plagued us for months was now his saving grace. Had it never happened, we would have never known until it was too late. For this, I am so very thankful.
When you look up the word seizure in the dictionary one meaning is all the things brain related that you would think… Neurons firing , etc., etc. When you look at other definitions, it also means “to take hold.” In many ways that moment did just that. It took hold of everything.
While I would never wish this on anyone, we have learned so much about ourselves and each other and for that I am grateful. We have met some terrible doctors, but that made us fight harder to find the good ones. The ones that have steady hands and compassionate hearts and for that I am completely indebted.
I had to give up homeschooling which I thought would break my heart, but in the process my children have met amazing teachers who genuinely care about them as children and for that I am grateful.
I have been touched by people all around us who know us well and not so well who have offered well wishes, positive thoughts, and prayers. It reaffirmed to me how interconnected we truly our and how the collective conscious can and does have power and for that… well… I am so very very thankful.
*(not forever, but you can only have one and then you’re medically discharged)
Sunday morning I woke before the sun and drove to Waikiki. I have officially entered the “Long Run” phase of training for the Honolulu Marathon and this means some much needed new stomping ground had to be found. (The neighbors were starting to question why I was running a 2 mile circuit for an hour and a half.) So there I was, truck parked in a free area (very few of those to be found), the sun just coming up and a great breeze coming off the ocean. I have fell slightly out of love with running in the last couple of weeks. I was unsure if I could run the marathon, sacrifice the time, the money, etc., etc.
But with all of these thoughts and feelings I slipped on my headphones and started the song that begins every single run that I have no. matter. what. What can I say? I like tradition.
In that moment, the sun rising, the breeze blowing, the ocean crashing on the not too distant shore; I fell in love again. Once again running became my challenger and my compadre. The thing about running is that I compete against no one but myself. I go as fast, or as slow as I choose.
And so with that in mind, I made my way through the oh so trendy parts of Waikiki.
Look but don't touch!
Just people watching was entertaining enough to pass the first couple of miles. The Japanese tour groups stopping to take pictures at every corner. The first day tourists still groggy from time change but wanting to see everything all at once right this second! And then there are the amblers… the strollers… The ones who meander through the streets taking in scenery one bit at a time.
Once you reach the end of the shopping district the buildings start to dissipate. The topography changes and you begin to climb and climb up Diamond Head. It’s so beautiful that you almost forget about the fact that your quadriceps are on fire.
Near Diamond Head
Just when you’re ready to give up, there’s a look out at the top. Tourists park and the surfers can kind of climb over the wall and make their way down to the shoreline and catch the good waves. It was there that I stopped for a water break. A quiet reverence kind of took hold as people watched the forces of nature at work. It was my favorite part of the whole run. Almost like holy communion for the earth lover.
Back to it! Down to Hawaii Kai and then turn around and head back 8.5 miles to the truck. For me, Sunday was about staying present. To not worry about the future or to rethink decisions that I have made in the “not too distant” past. If my brain slipped, then I sped up. If I could focus on my breath and the cadence of my feet, then I would slow slightly. Nothing brings you to the present like feet pounding pavement and an incline that you don’t think you can conquer, but then you do because you take it one step at a time. What a great euphemism for life right now.
I'll never get tired of rainbows
And it is with that thought that my run ended… because all great things do. But I made sure that this ending was right where I wanted at Ala Moana Park. A mixture of salt, sand, and sunscreen covered me from head to toe, but it was great! If anything, it showed me that I can run the race in December, even if it is just one step at a time.
Who is there? Me.
Me who? I am me, you are you.
But you take my pronoun,
And we are us.
-Marichiko-
Today Mike turned 31 big ones! What a day, what a day… A year ago today he was in Officer Candidate School getting the snot beat out of him by one bad ass marine drill instructor. We were living on Jamestown Island. Literally a stones throw from the school. The kids and I dressed up in our warmest coats, made our way down to the waters edge, and stared across. A bridge unites Newport and Jamestown Island. For most people it was a way to get from one side to the other. For us, it symbolized connection. We could see the base where he was and if we craned our necks just right, even the building that he was in. I stood there while Ronin climbed onto his thinking rock and Rhiannon collected shells, and I sent him all the hope, and courage, and love that I could muster.
Birthdays are about beginnings. We come into this world nakedly full of innocence, purity and light. Bathed in nothing but our parents’ love and a good dose of amniotic fluid. The years pass and we come into who we are. It’s messy, it’s painful, and quite frankly I wouldn’t be 13 again if someone paid me. Each moment, even the zit filled prepubescent ones, we are evolving and flourishing into something (hopefully better) than we were before. We find lovers and partners and if we’re lucky we discover that things become less about ourselves and more about the synergistic energy that the two partners can create.
So happy birthday to the person who is chamomile tea to my espresso personality, to the person who is always willing to share a bowl of popcorn and a cheesy Scy Fy movie, to the dad who takes crotch shots when Ronin practices his Tae Kwan Do moves, and will surf with his daughter because I’m terrified to. Happy birthday to the man who swore that I would love Tom Waits if I listened to him long enough and yes indeedy ten years later he’s right. To the one who said that I would chicken out of getting my nosed pierced and just to prove him wrong I did. For the one who always cheers me on in the last miles when I just want to quit. To the man that I am happy to be an “us” with, Happy Birthday babe.
It’s kind of there, because the calendar says it is. With that in mind I give you the
Hawaiian Word for the Day : Ha`ule lau
There is no official word for Autumn in the Hawaiian language. (Why would there be? This month’s weather looks like last month and the month before.) If you ask a local for something that came close, this is the word that they would probably tell you.
I somehow missed the Fall Equinox. I think that my brain kept waiting for visual clues… for leaves to fall, winds to get a bit gustier, and a chill to find its way into the evening air. Hay bails sitting and waiting in the fields for cattle to eat through the winter. Looking through the LL Bean catalog trying to find just the right winter coat. Snuggling under my favorite comfy blanket and reading. These are just a few of my favorite fall things. Looks like I’m going to need some new ones.
I have yet to see a single pumpkin on the island. I may have to resort to cutting up acorn squashes. No one will notice right? In fact, up until yesterday I had yet to see canned pumpkin at all. Then after one last attempt, I found two lonely cans pushed to the very back of the shelf just waiting for me to take home and love. And so I did!
I’m forcing fall baking on everyone without remorse. I lower the temperature in the house and bake and bake and bake until I’m tired of the smell of apples and pumpkins. Which that should happen sometime around April. There’s something homey and welcoming about fall baking. The smell of cinnamon and pumpkin remind me of simpler times and family gatherings. It makes me think of the hands of my mother. Her hands moving gracefully as they stirred and mixed just the right amount of this and just a sprinkling of that.
While I have been caught up in reminiscing, little hands have been busy melting chocolate and pouring them into bat and spider molds. Lollipop zombies and witches. So scary. The candies should be ready for savoring tomorrow. As for my best concoction of the last two days, it would have to be this…
Pumpkin Scone with Buttered Maple Icing
1/2 cup fructose
2 cups of whole wheat flour
1 1/2 cups ww pastry flour
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. basking soda
2 tsp. ginger powder
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
4 TBS. Safflower Oil
2 cups pureed pumpkin
Mix all the dry ingredients together in one bowl. Mix the wet ingredients together in another bowl. Combine the two using a wooden spoon as long as possible and then move to kneading the ingredients together. Shape into a round disc. Slice into 12 pieces. Bake at 425F for 12 minutes. Remove and place on cooling racks. When cooled slightly drizzle with the Buttered Maple Icing.
Buttered Maple Icing
3 TBS. Powdered Sugar
1 TBS Maple Syrup
1 tsp. vegan butter
Mix together and drizzle.
Best enjoyed with a tall mug of something steaming and wrapped in your favorite blanket.
Warning Girly Stuff Discussed. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
This morning I woke up to the vibrations of an incoming text. It was from my little sister, just beginning her college experience.
“Save me from my retarded* accounting class!”
Post coffee I would have guarded my words, but the kid keeps texting me at 5AM. Since we’re both taking the same class just 3,600 miles apart and I’m two weeks ahead… I feel no mercy. If my 30 year old brain can handle it, her fresh outta high school “ready to conquer the world” mentality can take it, I swear. So mercilessly (and in true sister like love) I texted back.
“Look on the bright side, if it’s “retarded”** it should be easy to get though. It could be worse… I’m off to have my vagina invaded, and not in a pleasant way.”
One would think that she would have the decency to pose a follow up question like “what?” But no, nothing. I guess my stunning visual had such impact on her that she simply felt better about going to school. I’m a good big sister like that. (I know someone is reading this and starting to feel bad for her. While you are rolling that pity around in your head, keep in mind that this is the same sweet baby sister who pulled my 12 year old daughter aside and taught her every euphemism known to mankind for penis. In the name of education! Really, don’t feel bad.)
Back to the great vagina invasion of 2009. For months I have been batting around birth control options. I’ve tried almost everything. Really when you think about it who wants to insert something the size of a friendship bracelet inside yourself every. single. month. Not me. When I brought up the IUD idea, there was practically a gasp heard round the family/friend ring. They’re so dangerous! Do you really want that in your body? There are so many side effects! It’s like having a mini abortion every time you could get pregnant. (That one’s my favorite by far. Ignorance surely must be bliss for some people. It must be.) In the end an IUD it was.
The last two times I visited the Gyn trying to get it all straightened out, the nurse noted that I have high blood pressure. To which I reply, “Do most women feel comfortable and relaxed with feet up in stirrups?” However, I don’t think that my mainland sarcasm translated well from English into Philipino. What can you do? Shut up and strip, that’s what.
So there I am feet in the aforementioned stirrups, praying to Allah that someone does not come bursting through the door. (Why do they always have your exposed girlie bits in the direction of the door?) When she (the worlds greatest doctor that a girl could have) tells me that she has to numb my uterus with something that smells like cherry mouthwash from the dentist office. I kid you not. Hmmm… First question…how? and second question… with what? If this involves a needle, my half naked hiney is sprinting out the door, courtesy sheet and all. Don’t worry the people of the health clinic were spared from the horrors of my hallway sprinting to freedom because this numbing took the form of an aerosol. And she was right, it did smell of cherry mouthwash. Not something that I would have dreamed of listing on things that I now associate with a gynecological experience. Fabulous! 5 minutes tops of discomfort and it was over.
Short of mild cramping and the need to smoke a cigarette as I lay on the recovery table, all is well.
So here’s my question for the evening. Why do women (or men for that matter) feel the need to nose in on other people’s method (or lack thereof) of birth control. I mean if asked (or brazenly shared on the internet) can o’ worms considered open… game on. I find this particularly interesting in church (Here I mean all all religions, though I realize my choice to use the word “church” is associated with Judeo Christian crowds. I use it for ease of association and not for religious finger pointing). I’m just curious. Personally, I tend to follow the whole eco zero population philosophy. But it’s mine. I wouldn’t expect someone else to do it. Whatever method I choose to reinforce that belief is my business. Then again what fun is it when we can’t finger point and feel better than someone else? I mean really, that’s the whole reason I watch Supernanny. 
*My least favorite word in the teenage vernacular.
**Did I mention how much I dislike this word?
I hate the phrase “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” It’s perky, it’s cute, it’s optimistic… really it makes me wanna ralph on the next person who says it. My my, now wouldn’t that be surprising? Now that would make for a good conversation amongst the neighbors. ”Psst…. don’t go near her, did you hear what happened to Sally?” The thought makes me smile… but only a little.
My little sister prefers the phrase “When life gives you lemons, freak people the hell out and make grape juice”. Much more my speed. Though I’m thinking she probably stole the phrase from some cutesy Facebook piece of flair, I do like that line of thinking. (And she’s cute, she can get away with it.) I especially love the “smile” factor lately.
I think people expect when a loved one is sick (wait shouldn’t there be a diagnosis to officially claim the title of sick? Okay okay, when serious shit is raining forth from the heavens? Much better.) anyway when the clouds open and the doo is raining down, I think people expect you to act a part. And if you’re not and you just smile, it freaks them the hell out because then they don’t know what to do or what to say. They can’t look at you head cocked to one side, forehead all squinchy, and listen to you explain your woes and sorrows while they nod understandingly. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with telling your woes and sorrows, I’m just not hip on doing it with just anyone. Cue the smile, then wave, duck into the house and leave them all befuddled. It’s much more fun. See? Grape juice.
A while ago when all of this started, I posted a poem. For the life of me, I cannot remember the title nor the author. I could be nice and go back, find it, and link, but it’s late and I’m lazy. The premise though, is that life happens and the only solace that we have is Living The Answer. I liked it then, I love it now. Bing! New blog title. Without a highly defined theistic belief system, I really can’t ask someone why things happen and expect an answer that makes logical sense to me. I don;t even see the point in starting the discussion now. The only thing that we (people of this house) can do is keep going and know that we (ourselves) are the answer to the question. Every moment, every choice, we are exactly where we’re are supposed to be. (Fabulous, I sound like a We Are Scientists Song. Really time means nothing! Man I love that song.) I digress, I often do… there is no would shoulda coulda, at least none that is productive to explore. I mean we’re human we’re going to do it, but really stop. Stop now! At least that’s what I tell myself when I get caught in that trap. So there you have it world. This is me, making grape juice. Enjoy.
Over a month has passed since my last post. My goodness how things have changed. Time is such an interesting phenomenon. Sometimes it seems to run at break neck speeds toward the horizon and in other cases is creeps so slowly one feels as if they are stuck in a moment forever. After fretting for several months, I placed the kiddos in the local public schools. It wasn’t an easy choice. Actually, it was filled with a lot of tears and a lot of worries. Truthfully, it still is. If we were still living in Virginia, I think that we would be able to keep homeschooling. But far away without a support system… Well, I’m one person being pulled in many directions… most of them new and uncertain. We don’t really know what’s wrong with Mike still. All we know is that what is there is scary as hell and that its life altering. After three months of trying to homeschool, go to school myself and make sure that he’s taken care of medically, I decided that the children need to focus on children problems. Not the scary “what if’s” that haunt the adults from day to day.
I’m happy to say that they are doing well. I had reservations after unschooling for so long that they might have a hard time. On the contrary they have slipped seamlessly into school life and are making lots of new friends. Academically, they seem to be doing well also. Perhaps this is the result of being able to direct one’s own learning? I’d like to think so.
I hope with all of my heart that this is temporary and that maybe we can return to homeschooling in the future. I will always believe that it was the right thing to do and the best choice. But I also know that things change and life presents us with different moments… It ebbs and flows and we must change with it or get swallowed in the changing of the tide.
What will happen to the blog? I don’t know. Until today, it was just to painful to look at. Perhaps, we will continue to chronicle our family adventures, perhaps not. I’m not sure. I suppose it just depends on how I adjust to my new role and how the children and Michial adjust to theirs.
Until we meet again may peace be with you,
Sheri
When the happy Hawaiian lady at Taco Bell knows you, it may be time to reevaluate your food prep time. Is it laziness that’s holding you back or is it simply lack of time? For me it’s the latter and on occasion the former. Not too mention, food prices here are reeeeediculous people! A loaf of bread at its cheapest is close to $3.00 a loaf. Hmm let me think, I am paying twice the amount that I would pay for bread on the mainland and it’s filled with corn syrup and highly refined grains. Nothing that will help us get our study on or fuel us for the massive amounts of playing that goes on around here.
Cue Sunday afternoon for the last two weeks. I’ve always been a fan of cooking up big batches of muffins and once a month cooking, but once a month cooking is too time consuming at the moment and I lack suitable amounts of fridge space. First an evaluation was needed. Where did I need help the most? I noticed that breakfast and lunch were the hardest. Everyone wakes up pretty staggered in the morning and lunch time is usually on the run or needed in a hurry. Dinner is usually okay for the most part. Next, recipes had to be mostly vegan, be mostly made of whole grain, and not contain sugar. (I’m on an anti sugar kick. There’s absolutely nothing in it that’s helping you out, really I promise.) I’m not against sweet, I just like cooking with fructose and maple syrup better. One has a relatively low impact on your GI and the other actually has vitamins and minerals.
Breakfast List
Mini loaves Banana Bread with Pecans
Cinnamon Butternut Squash Muffins
Garlic Bagels
Mmmm Banana Bread… Coffee anyone?
Lunch List
Two loaves of bread
Chicken Flavored Baked Seitan (For sandwiches and salads)
Beefy Flavored Baked Seitan (Rhiannon’s absolute favorite)
Spinach and Brown Rice Casserole (The one thing not vegan, but goodness if I can get Ronin to eat something green, it’s all good.)
Extra Brown Rice (Ronin eats this constantly with a bit of soy sauce)
Chickpea Salad
Hummus
Cream of Broccoli Soup
Washed and chopped lettuce and veggies ready to be thrown into salads, sandwiches, and quick sides.
We dig the baked seitan much more than the wet kind round these parts.
The one thing that I did notice about cooking with fructose is that the breads didn’t brown as they do with regular sugar. I’m curious if anyone else has had that problem as well?
My two loaves of bread cost a total of $1.50 compared to the close to $7.00 I would pay in the store. The seitan is also a huge money saver. I bought the wheat gluten in bulk at the health food store. Each loaf was about $2.00. In the store, a quarter of each piece of seitan would be about that much. So we saved about $12.00. Not too mention that it’s a great source of protein for growing kiddos. (One that isn’t soy and where you can pronounce all the ingredients!) 1/4 cup of wheat gluten packs about 23 grams of protein. The last huge money saver on the list was chopping the lettuce and prepping it at home. Lettuce here is close to $4.00 a bag in those handy dandy convenience bags. (Convenience at what price though?) I spent $4.00 on three heads of romaine and red lettuce. It gave us about 3 times as much as buying it the other way would.
It not only makes sense from a monetary perspective. (More money off the grocery list means more money for games and books!) It also means that the packaging from all the convenience food was cut down as well. Well worth the time for this homeschooling mom!
We woke up this morning to the rain softly rolling down the windows. My morning invitation to run was rescinded as the hurricane we were anticipating, dissolved into a tropical depression. So be it, the lazy storm suited our lackadaisical moods. According to Ronin, the gargoyles worked!
Ronin was first to wake up (as usual) and we spent a few quiet minutes snuggling together in bed. Lately, it feels like he is growing so fast. I feel an end coming to our early morning time; when I pull him next to me and he tells me in a groggy voice what he dreams about. His soft skin smelling of sleep and shampoo. It reminds me of Max. “I’ll eat you up, I love you so.”
Alas, snuggling cannot last forever there is a hollow leg to fill on the little dude. Over a breakfast of homemade bread he remembered something I had agreed to yesterday. Boy, was he ready to make good on my promise to create a blog for him. So without further ado, The Life of Ninja Ronin. (There was a whole lot of wheel grinding going on in that little head of his to come up with the perfect name.)
His other proud accomplishment for the day was finishing Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone all by himself! He was so proud we felt the need to happy dance.
Today taught us the great value of napping, quiet play, and more reading. (Read that: Mommy needed a nap to make up for restless sleeping.) Hey, we couldn’t go outside anyway…
Afterward, Rhiannon and I started in on our dishtowel project. We took over the living room floor and cut three very cute flowery blue flannel towels. I cut and measured while she pinned and did pretty much everything else. She was so eager, and I was more than willing to oblige.
I loved all the questions. While some projects in the past have proved rigorous, this one was mellow and easy.
What’s this?
How do you do that?
What happens if I flip this lever or touch this button.
She worked oh so carefully to create the straightest hemlines possible.
In the end, three lovely towels. Now though as I look at them closely, I’m thinking I can’t bear to wipe the dishes with them because she worked so hard. They may just have to hang there for decorative purposes.
Happy Wednesday everyone.
Ronin decided that if the Gargoyles were good enough to protect our campsite this summer from chupacabras, then by jove they were good enough to guard the house from impending tropical storms and flash floods. My thoughts: whatever makes him happy.
Once the homestead was protected we moved on to sugar cookie roman pillars. It was fun and easy to. Mix up a batch of kind of dry sugar cookie dough… chill the dough.
Then sculpt away. The kiddos opted for an authentic Roman decor of blue sugar and colored candy. (They look a bit brown because of the whole wheat flour, but that seemed to make no difference when Rome was falling down. Er I mean, being gobbled)
An experiment to gauge wind speed over the next couple of days as the storm blows through.
Flower, leaves, and palm fronds were gathered and paint assembled on the back porch.
Madame had the best time with Plumeria blossoms and dried palm.
How we enjoyed basking in the last bit of sunshine before the rain clouds started to roll in.
Good Night, everyone. If we don’t see you tomorrow, just know that we are hunkered down with all the bare essentials like, things like bottled water and plenty of ingredients on hand to make s’mores.
